This is a little declaration about me…  free form style…

I am an introvert.

I will not try to be an extrovert ever again.  It’s too tiring, too hard and too stupid.

I’m not shy.

I’m not reserved.

I’m not a bitch ….(mostly)

I don’t like small talk.

I’m a decent conversationalist in small groups.  I can talk in front of any number of people – I just can’t socialize with all of them afterward without having to excuse myself to go decompress…

I’m not a social butterfly at events.  I get glassy-eyed and end up saying something stupid – that I was thinking hours before and it just made it through my queue – which leaves the person I said it to thinking WTF!

I am witty (I am) – just not at the speed of some.  I have really great thoughts and comebacks – but nobody ever hears them because they don’t manifest until L-A-T-E-R. sigh.

I always (well mostly) listen, but meaningful responses take me a minute.

When I say I need time alone, I MEAN IT. I need it.  It has NOTHING to do with you.

I’ve tried to be an extrovert but it doesn’t work.  I have asked myself countless times ‘what is wrong with me?’… but now I know… NOTHING

I love people (mostly) and people watching.  I’m not being elusive or snotty when I don’t talk… I’m just in my own world.

Always wondered if I was an introvert because I am an only child… hmmm…  Didn’t have lots of people around me all the time…

I always dreaded big slumber parties or later big get-togethers – Can I just have one conversation at a time?  I can keep up with many if I have to – but boy, it wears me down!

If you ask me a question – you will get an answer – a truthful one – but it may take me a few minutes to put my thoughts into words.  I don’t work at TV comedy speed.

I will talk to almost anyone – but I just don’t like small talk – Does anyone ever really listen to those answers anyway?

I would rather sit on my couch – or out by the pool with a glass of wine and have nice, relaxed conversation, than go to a bar!

and I digress here – but have to say Kitchen Nightmares has made me never, ever want to eat out again!  I’m in danger of becoming a recluse!  LOL

Anyone have any thoughts?  Are you an introvert or an extrovert?  and have you made peace with it if you are an introvert?  Mostly people don’t feel bad for being an extrovert…

An update on my new job. 

My new job – which is becoming me again – a healthy, anxiety free me – has been interesting.

• I have been taking my shakes (STILL LOVE BTW – YUM)
• I have still been pursuing my goal of becoming a black belt (I have 4 testing cycles left, barring any disasters of no changing my belt until I can get my belt)
• I started taking Krav Maga (No – I’m not like Ziva yet, but I can see that I could be… sort of… maybe… in my head…  )
• I’ve been better about not eating as much sugar at night.  My goal is to cut it out completely – but let’s be realistic here!

As I type this, I am in pain.  Exercise is great – and I’m hoping that in losing this extra weight, I will make things better in the long run – but damn – I’m not 20 anymore – though I actually think when I finish this challenge – I will be in better shape than I was then! (It could happen!!)…

Here are the things that need to get better STAT:

• Shin splints gone when this extra weight isn’t pounding on me.
• My shoulder pulled out of joint from the knots in my muscles (pulled muscle exacerbated by anxiety – getting massage therapy for it)
• My pelvis pain gone.  Is this caused JUST by the weight?  Last night in Krav class, my hip was ON FIRE – really hoping the weight change will fix this.
• And just the general OMFG ‘extra’ pain that comes with weight and age…

On another note, got to wipe some mommy guilt away.

I realized that I do not really remember anything from when I was young…  and I was commenting to my son how much we take for granted how nice bedtime is now…

Him:  “What do you mean?”

Me: “Don’t you remember the yelling?  The closing the doors to keep you in your room, with you pounding to get out?”

Him: “No”

Me in my head “oh Thank God….”

(The drama was short lived – we finally decided to ask for help and started our night time routine – Stop all stimulus 1 hour before bedtime and create a routine…  and IT WORKS!)

Now, just need to get him to get through a school day without getting in trouble! (It could happen!)

First of all, let me start out with a couple of quotes from my son on Christmas morning…

At 7:20 am (can you believe we got to sleep that late?) “Mom, Dad, there are so many presents under the tree… and I think they are all mine…  come look”

He put all of his gifts into a pile and ours too and then began opening them… then in a voice almost under his breath he said, “you guys just wanted to make sure that I had a good Christmas” and then just went back to opening…  That boy.  I tell ya.  Every. Single. Damn. Day. he amazes me.

He frustrates, brings me joy and also teaches me something every day too… (Just saying)

So now on to Monday…

There are a couple of things that have hit me over the last few days.  The last post “screaming” is definitely how I feel, but also looking over my previous posts – it seems to be the way I feel a LOT.

That sucks.

I had been in this pattern of shutting down, and then clawing my way out if it to declare “THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE” – only to coast along until the next rollercoaster dip.

Well I’m done with the rollercoaster.

There are some things that need to be resolved and as soon as I figure out how to resolve them – I will.

But first – today is the day I start “my plan”.  Here it is…

While I have known that the shakes were never a magic bullet – I must have thought that just taking them would bring me the same results as eating all that crap in the medifast plan.

Here’s the thing – when I did Medifast a few years back – I lost weight – of course…  I stuck to their plan and ate all that OH. MY. GOD. THIS . TASTES. AWFUL. crap…  But then I started to eat like a normal person and gained weight back.  I’m sure this is a familiar story to everyone who has ever ridden the weight rollercoaster..

Hmmm…  I seem to be on a weight rollercoaster inside a life rollercoaster and I am sure there are a few other layers of reality in between…  (stream of conscious typing there)

Anyway – 90 days after I started taking these shakes, I still FEEL better than I have in MANY MANY years – I am pumped.  And I still love the taste and CRAVE my Peanut Butter/Chocolate shake (which I just finished btw)

But, I realized that just eating better – which to me meant having breakfast, snacks and lunch – wasn’t all I needed to do.  I need to step up the body muscle molding process.

I need to STOP eating after 7 pm…  (from 7 until I go to bed – I would eat sugar or chips or whatever that was bad…)  I mean, I had my shakes right?  I should be able to eat anything late night…

What a crock – I’m smarter than that.  And I am smarter than the lizard brain in my head that controls my anxiety.  Sorry little lizard – the eagle is coming to kill you.

Oh – so back to the plan…  In a few hours – even though I do NOT feel like doing it – I am going to a new class.  I am going to start learning Krav Maga.  For those that don’t know – it is an Israeli self-defense technique.  (I’m going to be like Ziva on NCIS (don’t I wish!))

So taking that along with my Tae Kwon Do classes should ramp up the energy burn (and I have lots of energy to burn) and push my muscles to the next level which will in turn lose the inches that need TO GO.

And if that wasn’t enough (– call now and we will send you double the order – oh, wait – that is a commercial –) I meant if that wasn’t enough to help my muscles – I am also starting a new weight training routine (courtesy of my husband – who I hope will also get back into his routine!)

So – after I post this unedited post – I will go to my visalus profile and start my new 90 day challenge and give this plan my best efforts.  How many weeks until something becomes a habit?  I need help!

btw – for those that don’t know – this tattoo on my wrist reads determination (from the heart) – Handwriting courtesy of a good friend from China…  Here’s hoping I can tap mine!

I have been quiet.  Probably too quiet.

I don’t think anyone around me REALLY knows how close I have been to losing it.  I have been hanging on with everything that I have.  I want to scream.  I want to hide.  I am probably millimeters away from springing that last thread that is keeping me together.  I really need to find a way to strengthen myself.

But what I really want more than anything is to be a good mother, friend, daughter, wife, family member, member of society, writer…  It won’t happen overnight.

I have a lot to learn.  Hopefully, I will figure it all out soon.  I know I have a lot of gifts and great things about me; I just need to channel them correctly so that I can be the person that I am supposed to be.  Hurry the hell up is all I can think to say on that.  Do I need to remind anyone that patience and I really aren’t friends?  Didn’t think so!

So on to other things…

I am 2 days past the end of my 90 day challenge and here is what I know.

I still LOVE my Chocolate Peanut Butter Shake.

I only lost 11 pounds, but I’m more excited about the 11 inches I lost.

Those are my end results to this challenge.  I failed.  But I didn’t.

I may not have the awesome beach body (yet) that I was hoping to get in the 90 day challenge, but that is my fault.  I let all the stress and anxiety win.

I ate mounds of sugar stuff every night and I didn’t do anything with all of this great energy that I have gotten.  All of those grand thoughts of working out as I sat on the couch didn’t come to fruition.

I have a million excuses – and none of them matter or are really legitimate.  So there is no point agonizing over them.  I need to move on.

I am starting another 90 challenge on Monday and I have a plan.

If there is anything I want to stress about these last 90 days, it is this:  I FEEL good – body/health wise.  Can you imagine how good I would feel if I quit eating all this sugar?  When will I learn?

I learn now.  My plan?  I will start a new job on Monday.  The job?  ME.  My new job is to become ME again.

I can’t do it alone – I need help – I just have to figure out how that help will manifest.  It is hard for me to ask for help, don’t see that changing.  But there will be changes:

Gone will be the recluse.  Gone will be the sloth.  Gone will be the anxious bitch.  BYE BYE.

HELLO!!  so…. I forgot to post an update for my 90-day Body by Vi Challenge – so I am combining 2 weeks here.

Really, though, all of these posts seem to be the same.  I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY and I FEEL SO indescribably GOOD.  These shakes are so yummy and I’m still craving my chocolate peanut butter one (though I have tried a few other flavors in tasting for other people!! – I liked the turtle one but it was kind of rich)

PLUS, I have started to get my creative writing juices flowing again – my dreams are becoming vivid again and I am writing things down.  I need to remember to carry something, to write with and on, around with me because I’ve forgotten a few things that popped into my head over the last week.

I wrote 2 really quick ‘lists’ on here this last week in an effort to exercise my mind and get some memories and thoughts flowing – they aren’t must reads – but have a look if you are interested – and as always I welcome comments and feedback – if I missed something on the lists – let me know!  I love to learn!

If the amount of exclamation points in this post gives you any indication as to the amount of energy I currently have – you would be 1/2 right – I have really tried to control myself on the exclamation points! LOL

I also created a page about the ViSalus shakes that I have been taking – have a look – see if it interests you – join me on this journey and let’s all get healthy!

1. It has just begun.
2. My Grandmother is still alive and she just doesn’t need to know those things.
3. Where would I start?
4. It would be a saga and who wants to read that.
5. Parts of it are too painful to write.
6. Parts of it I don’t remember.
7. I don’t want to be named in a libel suit.
8. Parts are just not that interesting.
9. My son can read.
10. I’m partial to my version.

Again, This post is brought to you by NaNoWriMo – and my attempt to get some creative juices flowing – you would not believe the memories that flooded me just coming up with that list – and again, this post took 2 minutes to write – so no deep thinking here! LOL

1. You’re better off without them.
2. I didn’t like them anyway.
3. It’s not you, it’s them.
4. Would you mind if I went out with them?
5. Now you’ll have time to write that novel.
6. You were still going out with them?
7. What did you do?

This short post brought to you by a creative writing prompt – getting my creative juices flowing to be able to write a novel in the month of November for NaNoWriMo – this post took me 2 minutes to write…  I know my 7 aren’t all funny – but those were the ones that popped in my head – What about you?  what are some good things NEVER to say when someone gets dumped???   I would love to hear them!

NaNoWriMo

For those out there who are writers, wanna be writers, or know writers, you may know about NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).

Every November, there are “Thirty days and nights of literary abandon”.  What that means is – You write, you just write.  Bang out a novel in a month.

While I have not officially signed up to do this, I have decided to write every day starting today.  Yes, I’m late…  better late than never…

What I can’t decide is what to write.  I may pick up one of the stories I already started, or I may just start banging on a new story.  Not sure yet.

I have lost my voice…  my creative voice.  I have been watching shows on TV and have listened to the dialogues, I have analyzed the stories (and been amazed by the creativeness).  I want to have conversations like that – I want to pull all of this goobledegook out of my head and put it on ‘paper’.

So wish me luck – because of all the things I want to ‘do’ and ‘be’ – I want to write.  I’m not aiming for a Pulitzer (though I will enthusiastically accept one) – but I want to finish all of the stories that I have started.

One book at a time.  One page at a time.  One word at a time.

Wow – I really can’t believe that 5 weeks have already gone by!  This week I did not lose any weight, but my clothes are still pretty loose and I can see a little more definition in my muscles – and as I type that – I’m kicking myself and thinking “Can you only imagine what you would look like if you had worked out as much as you thought about it?!?!?!?!?!”

There are times that I wish when you are sitting somewhere and thinking about working out – that your body could do some cool biofeedback stuff with your muscles and it would be like you DID work out – (yeah, I know – no comments from the peanut gallery please!  LOL)

I still absolutely love these shakes, and after 5 weeks – I am still addicted to the peanut butter and chocolate (all natural PB (ingredients = peanuts), 2 scoops of shake mix, 8 oz silk vanilla milk, scoop of unsweetened herseys cocoa, ice and blend) YUM!!!!!  I am still eating more now that I did before starting these and I’m feeling my body coming back!

Some people have been asking me about the shakes – so if you are interested in having more info – go to the VISALUS OVERVIEW and read/see all about them.  If you have questions that you can’t find there – ask me and I can email you some info – I am a distributor of these shakes too – so join me in the challenge if you want to lose weight, get healthier and/or have some great energy!!  (you can also go to my visalus site for info)

xoxoxo

Wow – I can’t believe week 4 is over – and I am 1/3 the way through this challenge.

Every single day I am amazed at how I feel.  I love that my clothes are getting loose – I love that I went to a wedding this weekend and looked good, got lots of compliments (ok 2 were just on my shoes – but still!!)

And I still feel awesome – I haven’t been very good at eating like I’m on a diet – and maybe if I did, the results would be even better – but I’m happy and I don’t feel like I’m denying myself – which, well, I rarely do!